O Grave, where is thy victory?
A year ago today, my little brother was murdered.
It was one of those things that you see on the news a thousand times and, while you may be empathetic, the reality of it never really hits you through the matter-of-fact presentation of the news anchor. The phone call was real enough however.
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Despite the senseless tragedy of it all, the Lord has ever been on the move, teaching and comforting and working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Just as dead fish fertilize crops, so too did Jonathan’s death spur our little family to reach higher. There have been many lessons that the Lord has taught us in this (and I may share more as time solidifies them), but one stands out right now.
One thing I heard over and over during the days and weeks that followed was how others couldn’t comprehend how we moved so quickly through Jonathan’s death. At the memorial and beyond, we went to and fro, covering sobbing onlookers in love instead of being the ones covered, comforting friends who were struggling to make sense of it all instead of being comforted, and, all the while, fending off people who insisted that we should be hurting more than we were. But we had found peace. The minister who spoke at Jonathan’s funeral, now a dear friend, remarked, “For the first time in my life, the family who I have come to minister to in their tragedy has ministered to me instead.”
What was different about us? Were we just in shock, busying ourselves in helping others so we didn’t have to process our own emotion? Did we actually, as some intimated, not really love Jonathan? Or had we found that elusive peace that surpasses all understanding? (Phillipians 4:7)
I am going to say some hard things, things that will deeply offend a generation that is obsessed with its own victimhood, but if you have ears to hear and can lay hold of them, I promise you that this will change your life as it has mine.
God is sovereign.
I am not going to give some mealy mouthed explanation of why He might allow a loved one to die. There are a thousand variables that might come together in such a decision, but the fact of the matter is that He is KING, and that those reasons shrink before His authority. He isn’t unfeeling or uncaring (Exodus 2:23-25, John 11:35), but the final say is His, forever and ever, and He owes no explanation. What we can trust is that He is GOOD and that His judgements are right.
“God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. And, when you can't trace His hand, you can always trust His heart.”
― Charles Spurgeon
Our emotions are not a higher thing than the Lord.
Emotions need to be brought to bear before the Lord of Hosts as quickly as a lustful desire or a vengeful thought. I don’t mean to say that they aren’t valid or that they shouldn’t be worked through, but we need to realize that emotions are not authoritative and must be disciplined.
In the 18th century, European armies stood shoulder to shoulder as they lined up for battle. I cannot imagine the fear and the horror of standing motionlessly before the barrage of musket fire and the roaring boom of cannons. The casual observer today may look back and say, “silly fools, how could they just stand there and let themselves be shot?” The 18th century officer would laugh in their face, knowing the true foolishness of opening up a line formation to the thundering charge of enemy cavalry. The fear those soldiers felt was 100% justifiable and understandable, but if they allowed that fear to rule them, not only would they lose their lives, they would lose the battle as well. They weren’t necessarily braver than you or I, they had simply learned to discipline their emotions.
My wife has a saying I have grown to love. “Feelings are descriptive, not prescriptive.” Emotions let you know where you are currently, but they are not authoritative and you do not have to allow them to rule over you. Grief and anguish are as real an emotion as fear - and they can be brought before the Throne and disciplined to submit to Him. Make no mistake, they MUST be submitted to Him, for whether you like it or not, you are in a spiritual war zone and He is the Lord of Hosts, your general (Isaiah 44:6).
Agreement is a stronghold.
Your agreement is powerful. Agree with the covenants of God and you have walls from which to withstand the assaults of the enemy. Agree with the lies of the enemy and death becomes entrenched in your life (2 Corinthians 10:4). Even worldly life coaches understand this to an extent when they preach reciting daily mantras and affirmations (Proverbs 18:21).
“For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.
― 1 Corinthians 3:19
In times of grief, there are a number of aphorisms and wisdoms-of-this-world that well-meaning people, not knowing what to say, will resort to.
“The pain will get better, but can never be fully erased.”
“Grieving is a process. Just allow yourself to hurt.”
“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.”
“If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t hurt.”
Each of these statements is a bid for your agreement. The question is, do you give your agreement to Truth? Or to worldly wisdom?
Does Scripture agree with the observations above? “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.”
We are bidden to not grieve as the rest of mankind because we have a different hope. Do we believe that? Do we give that promise agreement? Or do we simply pay lip service to it while secretly actually agreeing with the world? Remember, your agreements shape the fortifications in which you will find heavenly refuge or from which the enemy will assault your thought life.
When something looks like it dies and ends, oftentimes we write it off as a failure or a tragedy when in fact, just because we can’t see a reason for difficulty, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Often times, there’s new life and new hope that comes as a result of what happened and not in spite of it.
― Matt Greiner, August Burns Red
So, how does this all come together? For me, it started with a whisper in my spirit just days after the murder.
“Give Me your agreement that Jonathan’s death was good.”
Oh Lord, I do not know that I can do such a thing. He was murdered by a man possessed. How could I forgive such a thing and, even if I could, how could I call it good?
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
So, in my grief and tears, I decided that my emotions were not greater than Him. His judgement is perfect and, if He allowed this to happen, it was indeed good. I broke down, submitted my grief to Him, and gave Him my agreement. Jonathan’s death was good.
And the craziest thing happened…
The hurt left.
The more I came into agreement with Him, the more freedom I felt. Sad tears led to happy ones and my heart could only magnify Him. With it came the supernatural ability to truly forgive the murderer. When Erika Kirk famously publicly forgave Charlie Kirk’s killer several months later, I could see in her eyes that she had discovered this same Refuge (oh, how the enemy must giggle in delight when people slander her, whispering that she was in on the assassination because she wasn’t mourning like those of this world).
Please don’t get me wrong. There was still some residual sadness and I still miss him everyday, but since then there has been a supernatural peace that has came over me and my family. It took us from being casualties in this spiritual war to being more-mature sons and daughters who could go out and help others who are struggling themselves. Many did not understand it, and many cannot.
It’s a peace beyond understanding.
The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Amen.
